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NBC
ANTHRAX HOT LINE
By
Gil Christner
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DJ
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Over the weekend 2 employees of NBC
news in New York tested positive for Anthrax! I have a special
phone number for the NBC Anthrax hot line, so let's call
up and see what the situation is!
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(SFX: PHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS
UP)
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ANNC
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Hello, and
thank you for calling the NBC Anthrax hot line. The following
is the health status of various NBC employees as of 8:00
o'clock this morning! |
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Tom Brokaw does not have Anthrax!
Jane Pauley does not have
Anthrax!
Katie Couric does not have
Anthrax! But she does have a new hair do!
Will and Grace do not have
Anthrax! Neither does Just Jack, but Grace's obnoxious
secretary tested positive for gonorrhea!
The cast of the West Wing, produced
by Aaron Sorkin, does not have Anthrax! But they
do have plenty of psylocibin mushrooms!
Ann Robinson, host of The Weakest
Link, does not have Anthrax! But she does apparently
have a rather large stick up her ass!
Emeril does not have Anthrax!
But he also doesn't have any ratings!
The Cast of Law and Order does
not have Anthrax! But the writers might use it to
get rid of some characters later on!
And finally, Conan O'Brien does
not have Anthrax! But unfortunately, he also doesn't
have Andy Richter!
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WHERE'S CHENEY - by Gil
Christner
| BUSH |
Hi kids, it's me, your president,
George W. Bush, and I'm here to tell you about my latest
book for youngsters, called Where's Cheney?
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BUSH
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You'll spend hours of fun as you
search all over the land for Dick Cheney! Is he in a hidden
room in the Capitol? Is he in a bunker in Nebraska? Maybe
he's eating barbecue back at my ranch in Texas!
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BUSH
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You bet it is! I always have a good
time when my wife Laura reads it to me! You wouldn't believe
how much she loves to look for Dick! So tell your parents
to buy you a copy of Where's Cheney, available at book stores
everywhere, except Afghanistan!
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ANTHRAX-QUIL!-
by Gil Christner
| GUY |
Oooh, I feel
terrible, my nodz id tuffed up, I'm achey, I got a fever,
and I can't get any sleep! And my usual flu medicine isn't
doing any good! |
| ANNC |
Then you
probably have anthrax! |
| ANNC |
If you have
flu like symptoms, but are also dying, chances are you have
Anthrax! Don't take any chances! Get some new Anthrax-Quil! |
| GUY |
Hmm! It comes
in an easy open bottle! And it's blood red! |
| ANNC |
Regular flu
medicines only relieve the symptoms of Anthrax, but don't
work on the deadly microbes that actually kill you! New Antrax-Quil
eliminates not only the sneezing and runny nose, but also
the virulent bacteria that eat away at your brain lining!
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| GUY |
I feel much
better! Thanks, Anthrax-Quil! |
| ANNC |
So the next
time you need some Sneezy Achey Runny Nose Gonna Die Cause
Some Wacko Put A Fatal Disease On My computer Keyboard Medicine,
pick up some Anthrax-Quil! From the makers of Ebola Seltzer!
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AFGHAN WEATHER REPORT-
by Gil Christner
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DJ
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Hey, we got the phone number of the
Afghanistan Weather Bureau, so we thought we'd call them
up and see what the weather forecast for that part of the
world is going to be!
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(SFX: PHONE DIALS,
RINGS, PICKS UP)
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VOICE
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Hello, and thank you for calling
the Afghanistan Weather Bureau. The forecast for the weather
in the capitol city of Kabul today is cloudy, with 90% chance
of Cruise Missiles, giving way to partly explosive later
tonight. In the southern city of Kandahar, you can expect
clear and hot, with the only relief in sight being when
the B-1 bombers block the sun. So be sure to wear plenty
of sunscreen, and asbestos if you got it. Meanwhile, over
by the Iranian border, watch for scattered refugees throughout
the day, with a possible flood of humanity later in the
night. Thanks for calling the Afghanistan Weather Bureau!
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(SFX: HANG UP!)
EMMY SECURITY -
by Gil Christner
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DJ
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This Sunday is the Emmy awards, which
was postponed from last month, due to the terrorist attacks
on New York and Washington. We understand that Hollywood
is taking some extra security precautions for this year's
broadcast, and I happen to have the number of the Security
Office for the Emmys. So let's call them up and see what's
new for this year's show!
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(SFX: PHONE DIALS, RINGS,
PICKS UP)
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GUY
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Hello, and welcome to the Emmy Security
Office Phone Menu. If you would like to rat out another
show's producer by accusing him or her of being a terrorist,
please press One. If you would like to hear the new Security
precautions for this year's show, please press Two.
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(SFX: BEEP!)
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GUY
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Hello, and welcome to the Emmy Security
Office List of Changes for this Year's Show. First, to ensure
safety of all attendees, your entourage, including all sycophants,
arm candy, beards and butt-kissers, may not be larger than
15 people. Secondly, bear in mind that there will be no
red carpet to walk down this year. However, this does not
mean we can guarantee your safety. In fact, there is still
a very good chance, that at some point during the evening,
you will be accosted by Joan and Melissa Rivers. Therefore,
if you plan on carrying a concealed weapon, it may not be
any larger than .32 caliber. Thirdly, all guests will be
required to pass through metal detectors, so this means
any actress with silicone-enhanced breasts must pre-register
with the Academy Office of Metallurgical Augmentation. Finally,
as you relax and have fun at this year's show, please bear
in mind the chances of the Emmy Awards getting bombed are
infinitesimal, because after all, the host is Ellen DeGeneres,
and her new program, The Ellen Show, has already bombed
once. Thank you for calling the Emmy Security Office!
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(SFX: HANG UP!)
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